Taking a Break from Worrying -- Follow Up

I took a break from worrying what I was going to do next. Not just worrying, but even from thinking about it. After the one week break, I decided things were going well and gave myself an extension on the worrying reprieve.

Guess what? Doors are starting to open. Ideas are starting to move forward. Things are getting more clear. I'm getting offers. The world suddenly seems wide and abundant.

It's amazing how we can push and fret and not get anywhere, but when we relax and let go and open up we wind up exactly where we are supposed to be.

Pictures and Frames

Today I gave a good friend of mine two cents that she didn't ask for and I'm pretty sure didn't want.

I have listened to her tell the same story for many years. The characters change, but the story doesn't. It always links back to her wanting to believe something so badly she convinces herself that it's true. Months pass, sometimes years, and eventually the real truth emerges, to her sadness and disappointment.

I'm tired of listening to the story. I'm tired of seeing the writing on the wall and having to pretend that I don't, and then having to act like it's a surprise to me when things unfold the way I knew they would, over and over again.

There's an expression that goes, it's hard to see the picture when you're standing in the frame. Today, I decided to tell my friend what I thought her picture looked like, and how I thought it needed to change in order for the story to not repeat itself yet again. I don't think she liked it very much. In fact, I'm pretty sure she didn't. But for the sake of authenticity, for my own peace of mind, I had to say what I said.

I know that in my own life, I also miss the picture from my vantage point inside the frame. I'm sure I too make the same mistakes over and over again and am too bull headed to realize that the common thread is me. These aren't just a string of disconnected coincidences. They are direct results of actions, choices, and intentions. Information gathered, processed, and acted or not acted upon.

I hope that people care enough to give me the two cents, and that I am open enough to receive it.

Feedback isn't always easy to take. I have gotten some negative feedback on some of my blog postings. Mostly, it's been positive. But positive feedback is the easiest to give and the easiest to get. “You're great, you're wonderful.” “Oh thank you, thank you.” Negative feedback—criticism--is a lot trickier.

When I wrote the post about struggling to find a new apartment with Stella, and with dog ownership in general, I got a rather critical response from someone I don't know very well, but admire very much. It was to the tune of, “Why are you bashing dog ownership when millions of unwanted dogs are being euthanized every year because there aren't enough homes? You are not helping the situation here.”

While I didn't delete the post or even apologize for what I expressed in it, it did make me think more about the reality of my dog ownership, and what actions I needed to take to make it a positive part of my life, rather than lamenting its downfalls. It made me re-examine the part of me that wanted a dog—rescued a dog, even—in the first place. The part of me who cared enough about euthanisia rates to seek out the shelter with the highest euthanisia rate in the state and adopt from there. Why now, was I contributing to that which I sought to eradicate?

So even though the criticism wasn't the most pleasant to receive, it made me think. It challenged me to seriously question myself, how I had or hadn't changed, and how maybe I needed to change. And I wound up being grateful to that person who took the time—and the risk—to write a critical email on the topic, from a place of authentic caring about something I also care about.

I also got some criticism from my post “The Leftovers” which compared being single to being the bites of my Saturday morning omlet that got scraped off the plate into the trash rather than eaten. Some of the criticism, from devoutly single folks, was rather heated. It forced me to look at my post and realize that what I had written did not fully communicate what I was trying to express. That I had only half-formulated it, even though I had thought it through much further in my head. So I went back and got it all down in a new post (Leftovers Part 2), which turned out to be much better, or at least more complete in thinking. (Although, interestingly enough, out of my nearly 20 blog entries since I started writing,“The Leftovers” has the second highest number of hits as any other blog entry to date, according to Google analytics. The most highly read entry, “Love on the Rebound,” has been up for more than a month and only has two more hits. But I digress.)

The point is, feedback can make you better, if it is given with the right intention, and then used in a productive way.

I'm not sure how things will play out with my friend, but I am going to continue to work on embracing criticism—both providing and receiving--as an important step along the journey toward authenticity.

Addendum to Last Post: Thinking vs. Worrying

As a clarification to my previous post, I want to draw a distinction between thinking about and worrying. They are not the same thing, although in this instance they seem to be operating in tandem (as they often do). I am going to give myself a break from thinking about what I'm going to do when my contract ends. This also absolves me from worrying about it. I can go back to thinking about it on Monday. I need to spend time thinking about it. But today through Sunday, it is off the table. If it crosses my mind, I will just let it go.

As a step further, I am wondering if I can also give myself a break from worrying, in general. Just through Sunday, of course. I can think about anything I want (except the job situation, as previously mentioned) but I will let go of anything that turns to worry. I think it would be good to have a break from that, if I can swing it.

Taking a Break from Worrying

Like many people in DC, I have a temporary job. It's based around a grant, which has an ending date. I'm not complaining; it was my choice to take this job, and I don't regret it.

But now that the ending date is approaching in a matter of months, I have begun to think, almost non-stop, about what to do next. My mind is constantly coursing through my options, the possibilities, the actions to be taken, the probablities, the pros, the cons, the benefits, the drawbacks, the risks, the safe bets, the places, the people, the time frames, the implications, etc, etc, etc. I spend countless hours making to-do lists and plans which I may or may not carry out.

Today on my way home from yoga, where I kept catching my mind in various job-related worry poses rather than focused on my practice, I decided that I need a break from worrying about my next steps. So from now through Sunday, I have officially given myself permission to stop worrying about what I am doing after my contract ends. Anytime I catch myself thinking about it, I just allow myself to drop the thought, and move to something else.

On Monday, I can resume my fretting, but for now, I really think I need a break. Somehow, I think the break from the worrying might actually help me sort this out, more than the worrying.

Leftovers Part 2

Sorry to all the people I depressed with my last post. I heard from enough of you that I'm sure there must be others. Being depressing was not the intention. I think I had a moment of clarity that I wanted to share, but it was after midnight and I wrote this half baked blog, trying to express what I felt and thought in that moment, but it only translated into half of what I thought and felt. (Clearly, the depressing half.)

I'm actually a pretty happy single person. I think about it a lot, how happy I am as a single person. Now granted, in the spirit of authenticity, when I visualize my ideal life, at 10pm on Valentine's night I'm probably doing something besides blogging about how happy I am as a single person, BUT that does not negate the relative happiness of my single-dom.

Seriously. I'm not one of those, “Woe is me, I don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend” types. I'm just not. You know those people. I know those people. I don't judge them (okay, well maybe I do a little.) But I guess I sometimes channel them in my blog posts, unintentionally.

When I was sitting at Busboys and Poets pondering the leftovers, and the relative merits of being left on the plate vs. chewed up and digested, I thought about, via the flawed metaphor, something I think of often. Being in a relationship doesn't solve your problems. It has its perks, and its drawbacks. On the flip side of that, there are some great benefits of being single. You can meet someone cute and interesting, and go out on a date with them, without serious reprecussions. If you don't like your job, you can pick up and move to a different city without having to consider someone else's employment situation. You can spend every holiday with your family, instead of alternating. You can spend your evenings and weekends exactly how you want to. You can spend your money how you want to.

But, there are benefits to being in a relationship. You may not be able to go on a date with that cute guy/girl you met, but you do have a date—with someone you already like a lot. You have a reason to stay in the city you are in, beyond your job. You have an ally for those alternate holidays with your family. Part of how you want to spend your evenings and weekends is, with this person. You have someone worth spending money on, or considering when spending money. There are many more.

I guess what it comes down to is that you have to find happiness in all circumstances of life. Because the reality is, life is constantly changing and evolving, and the situation you find yourself in one day is completely different than the one you may find yourself in the next. And somehow, you have to be okay on both of those days. You have to find the joy, and appreciate what you have. Which seems to be a continual struggle for us human beings.

Tonight, I went to a beautiful yoga class led by a wonderful and loving instructor, Anna. I came home and in addition to the sweet and loving puppy eagerly awaiting my arrival, I found in my mailbox three Valentines: one from my dear friend Rachel, one from my aunt, uncle, and cousins in Albany, and one from my dad. (The one from my mom had come a few days earlier.) I cooked some wonderful dinner, texted with a few friends, and came back to the computer to rectify my depressing blog situation. Having the time to devote to writing this blog has been a real gift in itself, and being able to connect with those who read it—and getting their feedback, even when it is negative—is very gratifying, and is helping me to learn about myself, and grow as a writer and thinker.

In a different situation, I could have been on a romantic Valentine's Day date, but I think all in all I had a pretty great night.

I know that when I have been in relationships in the past, I have not always devoted the kind of time to my interests and passions that I do now. I enjoy these things immensely, and I appreciate having the time and inclination to invest in them. I could be idealistic and say that the next time I get involved with someone, I won't sacrifice anything in my life that I do now, but the reality is, there are only 24 hours in a day, and when you incorporate something new into your life, something has to go. It's just math.

So perhaps, as a single person, what is really left over is not you, but your time. You can fill this time with wonderful things. You're not waiting for someone to take a mindful bite of you. You're mindfully biting life. So taste it, savor it, enjoy it now. Tomorrow's menu may be very different.

The Leftovers

After teaching (subbing) a Saturday morning yoga class this weekend, I wandered into Busboys and Poets on 14th Street, a great spot for breakfast and people watching. My friends Kristin and Cody were there, a newly-minted couple in 2010 who are about to celebrate their first Valentine's Day together, and we enjoyed a spirited discussion about the holiday, particularly Cody's deep aversion towards it.

I can somewhat sympathize with his perspective, as I have had my share of sub-par and downright awful Valentine's Days, both as a single person and as part of a couple. The expectations are always high, much like New Year's Eve, which errs towards a zero sum game, at best.

So I'm eating my omlet in small, deliberate bites, as recommended by the mindful eating website which has totally revolutionized the way I think about eating. Which little piece of the omlet do I want to square off for mindful consumption now? Which flavors would I like to incorporate into this bite? What pieces of the omlet do I leave on the plate, because my body really doesn't need the whole thing?

Then something crosses my mind and I quickly scribble it down in my notebook: "Are single people the leftovers?" Are we the ones who, when the mindful bites are carefully contemplated and executed, get left on the plate?

Maybe we are. But then again, some bites may prefer to stay on the plate. I mean, being digested can be a pretty rough gig, right? Being scraped into the trash isn't a picnic either, but either way, there are pros and cons.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Lovely Jazz/Bossa Duo from Upstate NY to Play in DC

Sonny and Perley, a tremendous jazz and Bossa Nova duo hailing from my hometown of Albany, NY, are making a stop in DC to perform at the Grill from Ipanema, a Brazilian restaurant in Adams Morgan on Thursday, February 24, 2011 at 8pm.

According to the restaurant's website, Washingtonian reviewed it as "Sassy and full of energy ...serves authentic dishes with flair in a funky environment..." This is an appropriate venue for Sonny and Perley, as they bring to their music a well-balanced blend of energy, emotion, humor, and sass (and I wrote this line, including the "energy" and "sass" part, before I saw the restaurant's review!) In addition to an expansive repertoire of Great American Songbook and Bossa Nova--the latter what I expect to be featured prominently at this gig--Sonny and Perley offer to their audiences spot-on delivery of each song. Perley's elegant vocals and phrasing carefully craft each tune against the backdrop of Sonny's flavorful and energetic keyboards. (But don't take my word for it. Check out their recordings and videos here.)

They know each song like a beloved friend: who wrote it and why, who sang it, and who they sang it for.  In English, French, or Portuguese, each word and note comes from a place of genuine understanding. And each song is delivered as if for the first time. As someone who has seen them perform countless times, never does a song sound exactly the same on two different occasions.

Musical chops aside, Sonny and Perley's most distinct draw may be the unique intimacy of their performance that makes you feel--actually, makes you know--that you are not just a member of their audience. You, like their songs, are beloved friends. They are a husband and wife team living out their dream, sharing the music they love at beautiful venues across the country. When you are in their audience, they are deeply appreciative of your support, and your being part of their dream. They take the time to get to know you, and welcome you into their world.

Come and be welcomed into the world of Sonny and Perley!

Sonny and Perley perform at the Grill from Ipanema (1858 Columbia Road NW, Washington, DC) on Thursday, February 24, 2011 at 8pm. 202-986-0757.

Looking Like Beyonce

On Wednesday evenings I teach yoga at an afterschool program for kids from rough neighborhoods in DC who demonstrate strong potential for success. They practice skills such as public speaking, resume writing, and interviewing, and then participate in physical activities, one being yoga.

Out of about 30 kids, only a few come to yoga, but we are slowly building a core group of participants that are really into it. They are teen girls, and they think it is cool. It's amazing to watch their stress levels lower and moods improve as we go through a yoga sequence.

Next week, we are going to have another girl join us, who asked me if yoga will help her lose weight because she wants to look like Beyonce. This started a conversation among she and the two most dedicated of the other regular participants about how many pounds they each needed to lose to look like Beyonce.

I go home and look online to see if Beyonce does yoga, which there is no documented evidence of, but I do find out that, based on what she says in interviews, she spends the majority of her life exercising, and eating very little. For example, in Vogue magazine in 2009, she talks about getting up, eating a tiny portion of honey nut Cheerios, running six miles, and then going to her trainer who puts her in every possible type of squat imaginable. Then she goes to a meeting, where she eats a few bites of a salad with jalapenos and avocado. This is all in the interest of maintaining her flawless physique for touring.

So I'm thinking to myself, these three girls will all certainly benefit from yoga, in many ways, and maybe it will help them towards their personal weight loss goals. But, given that these girls have other things to do besides work out with personal trainers, i.e. school, homework, afterschool activities and programming, home responsibilities, etc., the likelihood of their having the time—not to mention the resources—to look like Beyonce, in the near future, is fairly low.

And why do they even want to? What is it going to help them accomplish? As long as they are healthy and strong, what does it matter?

But then I step out of my judgey-ness and realize that I also want to look like Beyonce.

Who doesn't?

DC's Barista Championship Hopefuls

Everyone, meet Tim Brisnehan (center), who is an all-star barista at Filter in DC (home of the best coffee you will ever drink, hands down.) Next weekend, he will be putting his skills to the test in the Southeast Regional Barista Championship in Atlanta, Georgia. In preparation for the competition, Tim has been honing his skills by practicing at Filter until midnight or beyond, four or five times a week. Tim will be joined at the competition by his Filter co-worker, Anna Green, and his girlfriend, Elizabeth Fedden, who is a barista at the nearby Dolcezza. (I've never had coffee at Dolcezza, but the gelato there is so good it has almost made me cry.)

Good luck, Tim! Here's hoping DC brings home the gold, an appropriate honor for our competitive, type-A, caffeine-fueled city.

Dreams Change

Earlier this week, I met up with the previously mentioned first-boyfriend of my life, who I spent more than a year with when I was 14 and 15. It was wonderful to see him. I knew that somehow, seeing him would affect me in a profound way, and it did, but not in the way that I thought it might. What affected me the most was how the vision for his life, which was such a prominent influence in his life when I knew him, had changed, and how the reality of his life looked juxtaposed against the life’s dream I remembered from 15 years ago.

Fifteen years ago, his life’s ambition was to be the editor of the New York Times, and he was furiously working towards that, even at the age of 17. No one I knew was so clear about what they wanted from life, and had more drive. Over the years, though I didn’t keep close tabs on him, I knew he was working at major newspapers, so I took joy in the knowledge that the life he had been envisioning and working towards, for so long, was in full swing.

But my fantasies came crashing down as we spoke of life and reality and it came out that not only was he not going to be the editor of the New York Times, but it was not even anything he wanted anymore. And truth be told, when that dream was formulated and articulated, he didn’t even know what it really meant.

He has no regret about this change of direction. He has already achieved a great deal of success in his life, professionally. And now, when he speaks of what lies ahead, work-wise, the focus and direction centers around the new and very beautiful priority of his life: being a dad.

It's totally fair and valid that in 15 years, his goals have changed. What's really silly is that I assumed they hadn't. I don't even remember the person I was 15 years ago, I wrote here last week, yet I expected him to be exactly the same. He was, in a lot of ways, as I'm sure I am too. And I guess if he is allow to renege on being the editor of the New York Times, I can forgive myself for never being that ambitious in the first place.

This topic of conversation corresponded with something I have been thinking about as of late: The things you assume are going to happen, eventually, inevitably...may actually not happen. I've always assumed that eventually, inevitably, I would have children. It's never been something I've questioned, worried about, or worked toward. It's just something I have accepted as impending.

But I'm going to turn 30 this October (holy crap!) and recently it has hit me: I might actually not have children. There are few reasons I have started to think this. One is, at this point, I don't have a significant other, and I don't want to have children without a partner. Since I am not burning with a passionate desire to have children, I'm not really out looking for a significant other to fulfill this purpose. I keep waiting for the passionate desire to happen—something else that I have always assumed would eventually, inevitably happen—but am realizing now that it might not.

Now (calm down, Mom!) I'm not saying that these things definitely won't happen—the burning desire, the partner, the children, or some combination thereof. In fact, I still think that there's a good shot that I will have children. I'm not even 30, I have a good ten years of biological clock to work with, and I could meet Mr. Tolerable tomorrow. But the breakthrough has been, going from seeing children as an absolute certainty, to merely a distinct possibility.

The other thing that has been a breakthrough is how okay I feel about this shift.

If I don't have children, if I don't create more human beings while I'm here on earth, being a creative person, I know I will continue to create other meaningful things. I'm not saying these are better or worse, but the reality is, if I don't have the creation and raising of a human being to contend with, I will use my creative energies, my nurturing tendencies, my days and evenings for other purposes—I will have to. And those probably include some of the purposes I'm engaging in right now, and some I haven't even thought about yet.

And I will be totally okay. If I feel regret or sadness about the fact that I never got to have a child, then it's a regret or sadness that I will be sharing with countless others, and that in itself will further connect me to other people in real and meaningful ways, and deepen my human experience.

Or it won't. Or I will have many children. Or some possible scenario I haven't yet considered. I can't really assume anything, because at this point, it's all just a variety of distinct possibilities.

Dreams change.

Less Stuff = More Space + Peace

I recently acquired a beautiful new desk at my office through a great local DC-area company that takes stuff from people/businesses that have things they don't need, and connects it to people/non-profits/businesses that need things they don't have (for example, office furniture!) The philosophy of the business is really inspiring and so I'm sharing the link, as well as the beautiful words on the website. They really resonate with me. I look forward to spending time this weekend letting go of some things I don't need, passing them on to people who will use them, thereby creating more space in my home and peace in my life.

http://www.korthase-enterprises.com/

Beautiful words from this website:

Too many of us are buried underneath a pile of belongings we neither need nor use. Yet we find ourselves overwhelmed by the process of ridding ourselves of this useless clutter. So, we store it. Whether in our attic, our garages, or at a storage facility, we put our stuff away until it has aged beyond its usefulness, and then we trash it. As the economy struggles, many people are beginning to realize that by selling or by donating their unused items, they can bring in extra cash. Furthermore, there are people around the world, not as fortunate as we, who would cherish the belongings we trip over.

Examine yourself. Are you really going to use that thing which is currently collecting dust, or are you withholding it from someone else? For instance, many of us store bicycles in our garages with good intentions of riding them, yet we haven't touched them in years. A bicycle for many people in the world means a changed life because it opens the door to increased mobility, and increased opportunity. Try making a promise to yourself that if you don’t use it in the next month (like you’ve been intending to for the last three years) you will donate it.

How much stuff do we really need? Do you own your stuff (you use it to its fullest potential, you appreciate it, and it adds value to your life)? Or does your stuff own you (you feel obligated to keep it, you don't know what else to do with it, and you are emotionally attached to something you neither use nor appreciate). When you decide to donate to somebody who will cherish and appreciate the belonging that has been gathering dust in your garage for years, you unlock that items potential to bring joy.  We store things for ourselves, just in case, and miss the opportunity to store up timeless treasure by sharing what we have with those who have nothing.

Let's collaborate to help each other distribute items to where they are needed and appreciated. When we do this, our garages become garages again. Our storage rooms become extra space for items we use and appreciate, as opposed to a collection room for items going to the dump next year.