Sometimes the bad times are quite beautiful in their own ways. When life is falling apart, when you're losing things, when there's pain, it becomes necessary to hone in on the good things, to focus on them and observe them closely, intensely, in slow motion. To fixate on them. Maybe this is why sometimes the fondest memories are created in the bad times. Normal, everyday joy, set against the backdrop of sustained despair, is euphoric.
And, I am not quite as despondent now as I was a week ago. Perhaps I have settled into the new reality, especially as the details become more concrete. I am still being left, but I understand and accept it as what must happen. As a friend said to me, "Acceptance is letting go of the idea that things could have been different." I see exciting new possibilities on the horizon, of a new job and things I will learn and people I will meet. A new place to live will mean new friends and experiences. I will get to fall in love all over again. (With my track record, probably many times over again, HA!)
I have started to share my situation, my need for help in this moment, with everyone I know. I have already been receiving tremendous support, and am now receiving even more. I feel like I am being held firmly in loving arms, surrounded by a wide circle of people who are not going to let me fall.
I just have to keep climbing.
Ultimately, I need to help myself by taking the necessary actions, going through the process, of looking for and applying for the things that I need. Taking each action, each application, each piece of searching, as part of the process which will ultimately bring me the things I need, and not letting the fact that most of them will result in nothing, make me feel like the process is for nothing.
The same can be said for relationships. Not looking at this failed relationship as anything more than a piece of the process. Perhaps the process of eventually finding a lifelong love. Or at the very least, the process of learning to love, learning about myself. And a reminder that we don't actually get to keep anything this life, especially people.
Through this all, I am finding intense joy in the good things. A nice stretch. A delicious cup of coffee. The way the raindrops look beautiful freckled on the window. The chivalrous gesture of a handsome stranger.
I'm not alone. I have so many people rooting for me.
And Spring is coming.